One Minute Praisings

Have you ever tried to catch people doing something right?  We have principals that do this; they reward students for behaving appropriately.  Adults need praise, too.

Today, everyone should try a one minute praising. One minute praisings include:

The first half-minute

• Praise people as soon as possible.
• Let people know that they did right and be specific.
• Tell people how good you feel about what they did right, and how it helps.

Pause

• Pause for a moment and allow people time to feel good about what they have done.

The second half-minute

• Encourage them to do more of the same.
• Make it clear you have confidence in them and support their success.

Why do one minute praisings work? Let’s consider a very simple example. A child does not learn to walk straight away. When you teach a child to walk, you don’t expect him to start walking as soon as he stands up. He first toddles, and then he tries to stand up and falls in the first few attempts. Then he wobbles a few steps and you cuddle him and hug him, making him feel that he has done something worth praising. He then tries to do more of the same and finally learns to walk. In the same way, one minute praisings is a way of encouraging your staff/colleagues/students.

One minute praisings show that you are genuinely interested in your people and care for them and their success. One minute praisings aim at catching people ‘doing something right’ rather than catching them ‘doing something wrong’ like most other organizations. Although the two might seem to be the same thing, there is a lot of difference. If you emphasize on catching people doing something wrong, their main aim is simply to do no wrong, not necessarily go above and beyond and produce great results. This produces mediocrity because everyone will tend to walk the middle line.  For exceptional results, we need our people to put in their best.  

I hope you all give and receive a "Caught being Good Award" today.

The Red E in Me and The Red E in You

- From Daniel Pink, Author

Your ME Instructions were: 

Raise your dominate hand. Take your index finger and draw a capital E your forehead.  Remember how you drew it.  Don’t google this.  I will follow-up around lunch on Monday.

Drawn for Me

Is the letter drawn so that it faces you – that is, backward to a person looking you? Or is the letter drawn so that the viewer can read it? Neither way is right or wrong. But the direction of that letter might tell you something about your disposition.

This seemingly innocent parlor trick is actually a method social scientists have used for more than a decade to measure perspective-taking – the ability to step outside one’s own experience and see the world from someone else’s viewpoint.

Drawn for Others

People who write the E so that it’s backward to themselves but legible to their partner have taken the other’s perspective. Those who draw the E so that it’s readable to themselves but backward to others haven’t bothered to consider the other person’s point of view. In an intriguing set of experiments a few years ago, a group of American social scientists led by Adam Galinsky at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management used the “E test” and some other techniques to investigate the connection between power and empathy. They found that while most people seem naturally inclined to take the other’s perspective, providing people a dose of power correlated with their being less likely to draw the E in the perspective-taking way. In other words, a surplus of power seemed to be connected, and perhaps even led, to a deficit of empathy.

As the researchers wrote: “Across these studies, power was associated with a reduced tendency to comprehend how others see, think, and feel.”

This finding might reveal what’s gone wrong with leadership at every level. On the altar of action orientation and tough-mindedness, we’ve sacrificed the fundamentally human quality of empathy.

To be sure, empathy shouldn’t be the only quality of leaders. If an executive is too worried that a decision might hurt Caroline’s feelings or make Rajiv sad, he’ll never get anything done.

Thinking strategically and acting vigorously are essential.

But action orientation without sufficient empathy has at least two flaws. First, people resist going along with proposed actions, which can impede progress. It’s a sturdy principle of organizational life that people quit bosses, not companies. Second, if people do go along, they do so reluctantly, leading to an atmosphere of compliance rather than engagement.

The key is to strike a delicate balance between action-orientation and perspective-taking. It’s not a matter of deciding between hitting your numbers (test scores) or drawing the E. It’s a matter of hitting your numbers by drawing the E.

What’s more, unlike many technical skills, empathy is extremely difficult to shift to low-cost providers and nearly impossible to reduce to lines of code in a computer program – which makes it a scarce, and therefore more valuable, commodity.

That’s why empathy is racing into many other business functions. For instance, medical schools, especially in the US, are using questionnaires to measure empathy levels of young physicians because scores on this empathy index correlate with patient outcomes in ways that traditional metrics do not.

Designers are donning thick glasses to distort their vision, sticking cotton in their ears to reduce their hearing, and slipping on garden gloves to limit their dexterity – all in an effort to design better products and services for the elderly by empathizing with what it’s really like to be old.

And when so many consumer transactions can be executed online, learning how to see the world from the perspective of customers and prospects has become integral to customer service and sales.

Yet somehow in the higher reaches of business, even in our supposedly more enlightened era, empathy, when it’s discussed at all, is often dismissed as frivolous or, worse, “soft.”

A dean of an American business school stated that when alumni return to campus to guest lecture, the current students invariably ask them a version of this question: As you think back on what you learned in B-school, what do you wish you had paid more attention to or had studied more?

And invariably the answer is the same.

“I’m glad I studied finance and accounting and the quantitative subjects,” the graduates say. “But I wish I had taken all that soft stuff more seriously.”

After they left the orderly farm of a case study for the roaring jungle of a real business, it turned out that what seemed superficially soft – organizational behavior, psychology, people smarts, communication and, yes, empathy – were crucial. Spreadsheets are easy. Spreadsheets never get bored, call in sick, or lose their motivation.

But influencing people requires more than simply putting the correct number in the proper cell and applying the right formula. And since most leaders have reasonably sound technical/managerial  skills, as well as access to the same information and tools, mastery of these nominally soft aptitudes is creating a fault line that’s separating who moves up and who

stays put.

So if you’re a leader, and we all are, especially a new one, sprinkle a few seasonings on your newly acquired bowl of power. Talk less, listen more. Treat everybody with respect. And if one of your employees asks you to draw a vowel on your forehead, you know what to do.

The Law of Intentionalality: Growth Doesn’t Just Happen

Life is in session.  Are you present?  

Are you painting the right house?

Growth does not just happen.  You, an organization, must plan for growth. Hard work does not guarantee success.  You may paint all day only to step back and realize you have been painting the wrong house.  We can be active and not improve.  What is your, what is our plan to get better?

“Ridiculous, not rigorous,” was shouted from the curriculum agnostic.  My retort, “So what is your plan for improvement?”  Please, describe for me your, our, current status (ARMT/Aspire scores, ACT score, graduation rate).   The STEMnostic replied, “More of the same, please; more hard work.  We need to keep doing what we are doing and things will improve; we’ll just hope that it happens.”  My friends, hope is not a strategy!    To continue to do the same things over and over and expect the results to change is by definition insane.

I am reading one of John C. Maxwell’s latest books entitled, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, in which he describes 8  misconceptions about growth.  Today, we will look at 3. 

• The Assumption Gap – “I (We) assume that I (we) will automatically grow.”

"You are going to get bigger."

I have been as tall as I am today since the 8^th grade.   I assumed that I would just get taller ever year, but I did not.  Many carry this mindset into adulthood; that somehow mentally, spiritually and emotionally, we will continue to grow.  Charlie Brown once said, “I think that I have discovered the secret of life --- you just hang around until you get used to it.”  Or, as a colleague described to me last week, you just hang around until the person in front of you retires or leaves this world.    Michael de Montaigne state that “No wind favors him who has no destined port.”  Personally and professionally, growth is not automatic.  Our students are depending on us, therefore, we must plan and prepare for growth.

• The Knowledge Gap --- “I (We) don’t know how to grow.”

Take Control of Your Growth

Do you have a growth plan?  Does the organization have a growth plan?  I formerly bragged that I was from the school of hard knocks; I had to learn things the hard way.  Things changed; they sometimes got better and sometimes got worse.  Then I took control and began to plan. The is but one decision that has impacted my life more than my decision to grow.  Since then, the stage has expanded and the opportunities have increased. Today, be that person that wants to improve, that has a desire to grow. Never become satisfied with the status-quo.   Take responsibility for that growth. 

• The Timing Gap --- “It’s is not the right time to begin.” 

You snooze you lose

Why do we work so fast?    The Law of Diminishing Intent says, “The longer you wait to do something you should do now, the greater the odds that you will never actually do it.”  Every job that I have ever taken was somewhat beyond me.  Each challenged me as never before.   And I know, that if I do not get better as a leader, I (we) will fail (though we will fail forward and not backwards).    Know this:  Life lived for tomorrow will always be a day away from being realized.   The reality is that you will never get much done unless you go ahead and do that which needs to be done before you are ready.  If you are not already intentionally growing, you need to get started today.  If you don’t, you may reach some goals, but you will eventually plateau.  Once you start growing, you can keep growing by keep asking “What’s next?” Inquiry-based pedagogy? DOK? Effective questioning? iPads where?  STEM what?  Mastery who?  Carnegie why?

So what is next?  PCBOE will always have fluid goals with an overriding notion to positively change the school environment to better prepare students for college and careers.  Our desire is to become schools of inquiry, innovation and impact.  We will continue to knead the implementation of standards based instruction and inquiry-based pedagogy, knowing that research shows that 80 hours of professional development per individual is needed for sustainable change.  We will continue to expand our partnership with Discovery Education, higher education and other stakeholders.  We will begin STEMifiying our system with STEM-formational leadership development in October and expand to certified staff sometime next calendar year.  

Carrot, Egg or Coffee - Which Are You?

A colleague of ours shared this with me and I am sharing with you.

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

The Leader in Us

In Phenix City Schools (PCS), everyone is a leader.  Regardless of what you do, regardless of title or position, we are all leaders.  Everyone can make a difference.  What we do will have an impact, even to point that our actions will be reflected in our collective legacy. 

On this third Monday morning of the school year, think about your personal-best experiences; experiences that reflect your best individual standards of excellence.  What did you do? What did you say?  How did you act? 

In PCS, for us to make extraordinary things happen, and this is true in any organization, we must:

• Model the Way
• Inspire a Shared Vision
• Challenge the Process
• Enable Others to Act
• Encourage the Heart

Model the Way

Leadership is not about who you are but it is about what you do.  Titles are granted, but it is your behavior that earns you respect.  At all times, we are expected to act like leaders; to model the way.  We are expected to lead by example and not command.   The number one key to successful leadership is credibility.  Make certain that your actions add to your stature and do not take away.

Inspire a Shared Vision

Every organization, every social movement, begins with a dreams.  The dream, or vision, is the force that creates the future.  Leaders envision the future by imagining exciting and enabling possibilities.  As we STEM-form our system, just as an architect draws a blueprint or an engineer builds a model, we all need to have a clear vision of what the results should look like before starting the project.  Do not worry if the vision is not clear.  We are a work in progress and will continue to build and reveal our vision.  Also, know that you cannot command commitment; you have to inspire it. Have the vision (Schools of Inquiry, Innovation, and Impact) in mind and be clear about why it is important to you.  Be able to tell others why it should matter to them, as well.  Clear goals, vision and a positive difference are necessary to get others to buy in.

Challenge the Process

To achieve your personal-best, you must change from the status quo.  No one claims such success by keeping things the same. (We know that we must stop the trend – meat, poultry and fish cutters and cashiers. We can and will STEM students out of poverty!) Our challenges have been implementing innovative technologies (iPads grades 6-8), inquiry-based pedagogy via Investigations math programs, cutting-edge curriculum per Carnegie Learning, and unique progress monitoring and student tracking of standards by means of MasteryConnect.

All successful leaders had to overcome uncertainty and fear to achieve their best; so must an organization.  Leaders must venture out; not sit idly waiting for fate to smile on them.  Be a trailblazer; a pioneer.  Make something happen.  Be STEM-tastic at what you do.  Become the STEM boss of your hall.  Take risk.  Do not be afraid of failure (FAIL – first attempt in learning).  It is a given – if you try, you will fail.  Proceed anyway. Stay the course.  Generate small wins.  Move methodically. Incrementally move tasks and projects forward. 

Digression of a methodical nature:  A colleague of ours wanted to know where the STEM-ology came from and in to being.  I took him back to Perdido Beach and an informal, less than a quorum, inquiry of Board Members, summer 2015.  From Perdido to Dr. Marcia Burke, to Savanah’s STEM Academy, to Fort Payne, to Piedmont, then to Board in December 2014, request to the City in the winter of 2015, formation of the STEM Committee, consultation with architects which moved from wall-removal to new 10,000 square foot facility, visit with STEM vendors, creation of FOPCS to raise $50,000 which ballooned to $1.1 million, to meetings of 30 on June 2 and 100 on June 18,  pasted with professional development, new hires, mucho research and gift giving.

Know that the best leaders are the best learners and life is their laboratory.  Be ye doers!

Enable Others to Act

We must lead by empowering those around us.  Give power away.  Show trust in others in order to build their trust in you.  Constituents will neither perform at their best nor stick around if you make them feel weak, dependent or alienated (teacher retention). If you are the one doing all of the talking and demonstrating, learning is limited. 

Encourage the Heart

The climb to the top is arduous and steep, but the views are STEM-tacular!  You will become tire, frustrated, disenchanted and may be tempted to give up.  Genuine acts of caring draw people forward.  Recognition is the most powerful currency you have and it cost you nothing.  We must recognize others and celebrate victories and do so often.  

Sharpen the Saw

A colleague of ours gave me a thumb drive this summer.  On it was the last chapter of  Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Sharpen the Saw.” An excerpt from the chapter reads:

A woodcutter strained to saw down a tree.  A young man who was watching asked “What are you doing?” 

“Are you blind?” the woodcutter replied. “I’m cutting down this tree.” 

The young man was unabashed. “You look exhausted! Take a break. Sharpen your saw.” 

The woodcutter explained to the young man that he had been sawing for hours and did not have time to take a break. 

The young man pushed back… “If you sharpen the saw, you would cut down the tree much faster.” 

The woodcutter said “I don’t have time to sharpen the saw. Don’t you see I’m too busy?”

(Ouch! That smarted, so I took a day of vacation.)

As we embark on this new school year, let us all remember to keep the saw sharp, for to sharpen the saw is to preserve the greatest asset you have–you. We all need to balance the physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of our lives. We should: 

• eat properly, exercise daily, and rest/recover/relax; 
• make social and meaningful connections with others;
• learn something new daily, read, write, and teach others;
• spend time in nature, expand spiritual self through meditation, music, art, prayer, and/or service

Sharpening will keep you fresh so you can effectively practice the other six habits. "Without renewal, the body becomes weak, the mind mechanical, the emotions raw, the spirit insensitive, and the person selfish. Not a pretty picture, is it?"

"Feeling good doesn’t just happen. Living a life in balance means taking the necessary time to renew yourself. It’s all up to you. You can renew yourself through relaxation. Or you can totally burn yourself out by overdoing everything. You can pamper yourself mentally and spiritually. Or you can go through life oblivious to your well-being. You can experience vibrant energy. Or you can procrastinate and miss out on the benefits of good health and exercise. You can revitalize yourself and face a new day in peace and harmony. Or you can wake up in the morning full of apathy because your get-up-and-go has got-up-and-gone. Just remember that every day provides a new opportunity for renewal–a new opportunity to recharge yourself instead of hitting the wall. All it takes is the desire, knowledge, and skill.” -Stephen Covey

5 Things You Need to Know

As those employed in the field of education, know that you have tremendous power to affect the lives of those around you.  Encouragement should be a difference-maker in someone’s day, week, or life.  To this, John C. Maxwell writes in his book, Encouragement Changes Everything, that there are “5 things every encourager needs to know about people."

1.   Everybody Wants to Be Somebody

Believe in Our Students

Everyone needs affirmation.  All want to be loved and considered.  Everybody wants to be somebody.  Every student is and will become somebody. 

How can we help others feel like they are somebody?  By seeing them as a 10 on a scale of 10.  You often get exactly what you expect from people.  In the eyes of every parent, their child is the “cream of the crop,” retorted my father-in-law.  “Parents are not withholding, they are sending us their very best.”  Treat someone as a 2 and they will act like a 2.   The greatest help that we can give others is to believe in them.

2.  Nobody Cares How Much You Know Until They Know How Much You Care

People do not want to know how smart we are.  They do not want to know what you or I have accomplished.  The only thing that they really want from us is to know whether we really care about them. 

***Sidebar Leaders:  A wise person from within my office once said:  “Rules without relationships equal rebellion.”

This is a difficult lesson for some to learn.  Often we want to impress.  We want to be admired.  We want others to follow.  Most followers do not care anything about resumes and pedigrees. Most of all, followers want to know that leaders care about them and have their interests at heart. 

3.  Everybody Needs Somebody

Coach Boone and Louie

In one of my favorite movies, Remember the Titans, Coach Boone asks bighearted offensive lineman Louie Lastik if he was planning to go to college.  Louie says, “Oh not me, Coach.  I ain’t a brainiac.” Coach Boone replies, “If you don’t go to college, it’s not going to be because you’re not qualified, so I want you to bring me your test scores at the end of every week, and we’ll go over them together.”  Towards the end of the movie, Louie tearfully approaches Coach Boon.  “I got a C-plus average, Coach. I’m going to college.” Because someone took interest, Louie achieved more than he ever thought himself capable.

Look in the buses, the hallways and classrooms.  You will find endless number of people like that.  They are looking for someone to invest in them, to encourage them, to be the person that they were created to be.

4.  Anybody  Who Helps Somebody Influences a Lot of Somebodies

 

Moon Lake - Phenix City, AL

It is contagious!  Pour effort into someone else, and watch how the encouragement is multiplied. Influence influences!  The greater the positive impact you make on another person or group, the more likely that person or group of people is to turn around and influence others positively.  Encouragement has a ripple effect, like a stone cast into Moon Lake.

5.  Love Everybody

Often we choose those who we encourage.  We may look for others who are like us or we may only help those who believe or think as we do.  This is not how it should be.

A man fell into a pit and could not get out - here is how others treated that person:

A subjective person came along and said “I feel for you down there.”

An objective person came along and said, “Well, it’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

A self-righteous person said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

A mathematician calculated how the individual fell into the pit.

A news reporter wanted and exclusive story on the person in the pit. 

A fundamentalist said, “You deserve your pit.”

A realist came along and said, “Now that’s a pit”

A geologist told him to appreciate the rock strata in the pit.

An IRS worker asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

The inspector asked if he had a permit to dig the pit.

The self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

A pessimist said, “Things will get worse.”

Then Someone, seeing the man, reached down and took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

We should love everybody, just as we are loved.  We should treat others as we would like to be treated.  Do that and others will feel encouraged. 

Let's have a GREAT school year!

Dare To Run

Cathy and I began as youth ministers before we married and continued this calling into parenthood. One of our favorite song books was entitled Dare To Run, so much that we had a yard sale (or 2), made t-shirts and took our show on the road.   While the front of the t-shirt mimicked the title of the book, the back include the notion of encouragement that we should lay aside all burdens, all that entraps and hinders, and run before others the race of life.   

We need to run the race of life with patient and endurance. It's not a sprint to the finish, but more like a marathon. Along the way we need to encourage each other, for so often we may feel like giving up, but we need to keep pressing on. We need to get rid of anything that will weigh us down. No athlete wears heavy clothing and weights while running his or her race. In every aspect of life, we need to be dressed appropriately for the race and throw off the things that would hold us back and weigh us down, so that we may be able to finish the race.  We, too, are to run the appointed course that is set before us. That speaks to me of the race we are running being our race, we are not to run somebody else's race.

Remember the movie Forrest Gump? Forrest was exceptional, both mentally and physically. While wearing braces on his legs he moved painfully slow until one day a miracle occurred.  As we was walking home from school with his friend Jennie, a group of bullies road up on their bicycles and began throwing rocks at Forrest. Jeannie instructs Forrest to run. As he runs away his braces come off and he runs so fast that the boys on bikes cannot catch him.

In July of 2014, we were dared to run; so we ran; sometimes up-hill and head-on into the gale, but we ran none-the-less.  Along this path, on many occasions, we paused to encourage one another.  We tossed to the side some ineffective methods and materials.  We replaced bad habit with good.  We ignored the noise and distractions to maintain our focus.  Looking back at the course full of opportunities, we see many accomplishments, some near misses, and a few short comings.  Oh, but the  good far exceeds the bad.  

On this last Monday on the last week of school, I dare you to run, run not to, but through the finish line.

Know that per the Supe's Kitchen on Thursday, I will take time to reflect on our many achievements. I purpose that we each make a top 10 list and compare notes.  

Champions Play/Work for Others

Most career game-winning goals – 129. 
Most career overtime goals – 20. 
Only player to play in the Stanley Cup Finals as a teenager 
and at 40+ years of age. Oldest player to 
score 60 points in a season.  
He was drafted in 1990 and presently plays 
professional hockey in Florida.  

Dr. Kelvin Elko is a world-renowned sports psychologist who has worked with numerous NFL teams and Fortune 500 companies. I have had the pleasure of listening to him talk on an occasion and one story always sticks out in my mind. Dr. Elko was talking about playing and working with passion, not just for the glory or for money. In the long run, he said, having that flame or passion will allow you to succeed and be happy. He gave the example of superstar NHL player Jaromir Jagr, who wears number 68. Why 68? In 1968, the Soviet army invaded the nation of Czechoslovakia. In the chaos, Jagr’s grandfather was jailed. While imprisoned, he fell ill; he died shortly after his release. Jagr had not yet been born, but learned all about his grandfather from family members. He has since dedicated his playing days to his late grandfather and wears 68 to remind him of what he is playing for — what conviction really means.

“So what is your 68?” Dr. Elko asks. It is a fair question. Each of us has a 68 inside, that thing that stirs our passion; that keeps us committed even when we face adversity. It shapes our convictions. Perhaps your 68 is a family member or a time or place or even a burning desire to prove something to someone.

This Wednesday, I challenge the Lady Red Devils to play for their 68.  You know who they are.  Play with purpose.  Play with conviction. Play for your teammates. Play for your coaches. Play for your family.  Play for your school. Play for those who cannot.  Play for your Creator...above all else, bring Honor and Glory.

Leading by Example

Softball Side Notes:

1. Players, thank you for representing Phenix City and Central High School with class and dignity.  Your poise under pressure; your skill in the clutch; your attitude of thankfulness; and your leadership on and off the diamond is a model for both young and old alike.  Do what you do, as you have done it and good things will happen.
2. Coaches, every organization and team will display characteristics of its leadership.  Your team will talk, respond, perform, and serve as you.  SEE #1.  Kudos to you! 
3. Red Devil Nation, over the weekend, the softball team won our first Regional Softball Championship!  Please take time out to congratulate and encourage them. Best of all, if you can, take a trip to Montgomery on Wednesday and lend them your support.

It is the little things that wins championships.

Everyone has a 68.  You teach, clean, drive buses, prepare food, fix and repair, supervise, maintain a balance...  Your 68 is one of my 68’s, our students.  Never forget why we do what we do.  Give all you have for your 68!  Leave on the field of life!

The Dialects of Love

Andy Andrews, one of my favorite authors, explains love as “dialects."   Take the English language for example- when Cathy and I traveled with the boys to Washington D.C., we sounded a little different than folks from the nation’s capital.  They would politely ignore our question or comment to ask where we were from and if we could say something else.  No matter where one might go, everyone sounds a little different, even though everyone might be saying the exact same thing!  Andy contends that there are also dialects in the language of love.  We all need to learn to speak and hear the dialects of others.  It is simply a matter of knowing what dialect the other person is speaking.  Much of our dialect is developed during our formative years and is largely dependent on the manner in which we were raised.  For example, if your mom and dad showed love with lots of hugs and touches that is probably how you express love to others, and also how you feel loved from others.

In Andy’s book, The Noticer, he uses the example of the married couple Jan and Barry are a married who are contemplating divorce because neither feels loved any more.  The husband always tells his wife how much he loves her, but she just doesn’t believe him.  She says her husband never does anything for her- she’s asked him repeatedly to trim the hedge in the front yard and he won’t do it.  It’s driving her nuts.

Here’s an excerpt from the book (Jones is wanderer/philosopher/counselor/mentor who miraculously shows up a various people’s lives during a time of crisis):

“Young lady,” Jones said gently to Jan, “your husband does love you- in fact I believe he loves you very much.  But the dialect he uses to communicate it is spoken words of approval.  It is also the only dialect he understands.  And only by hearing spoken words of approval does he ever feel loved.” … “Unfortunately,” he said, “the way we feel loved is usually the same way we express love.  Therefore, your husband did everything he could- over and over again- with the spoken word, to tell you how much he loved you.  But you never understood because you have not learned the ‘dialect’ with which he has tried to communicate that love.  You see, the dialect you use is one of favors and deeds” ….”Young man”, he said to Barry, “as desperately as she can, your wife has been trying to convey her love to you by doing things for you.  She is equally desperate for you to say, ‘I love you’ by doing things for her!  And because you haven’t understood her dialect, those little favors and deeds didn’t seem important to you, and she has felt unloved.”

Remember the hedge she wanted him to trim?

Andy use the fictional character Jones to further explain the 4 dialects of love. Here they are:

Our favorite dog-  the Retriever

1. Spoken words of approval– This type of person likes to hear the words that express love. “I love you…I care about you…You are a great husband…etc.” They also express their love in the same way. They will often tell others the same phrases.  The author calls these people “Dogs” because dogs thrive on spoken praise.

Lizzy where she should
not be.

2. Physical contact– This type of person needs to be physically close to someone…holding hands, hugging, intimacy, etc. in order to feel loved. If you grew up in a “touchy-feely” home, you probably show your loved ones you love them by cuddling. You also look for this contact to feel loved.  He calls these people “Cats” because cats thrive on physical contact- always rubbing up against you, begging to be pet and cuddled (on their terms of course!).

Feed Me
Clean My Bowl

3. Favors and deeds- This type of person shows their love by doing little favors and deeds for their loved ones. They bring flowers, they cut the lawn, they fix a broken necklace…they help with laundry and dishes. They also feel loved when these things are done for them.  These people are like “Goldfish”.  You can’t touch them, they can’t hear you, they don’t care if you are in the same room or not, they have nothing to say- they just want to be fed and have their bowl kept clean.

Have a seat and listen

4. Quality time– This person wants and needs undivided attention to feel loved. This person needs to have one on one time with their loved one.  They need to connect with others without outside distractions. They like to have dates where they can get away from the kids and really focus on each other.  These people are “Canaries” because all canaries want is attention- for you to sit and listen to them sing.

There is a basic need for people to feel loved, and to love others, but everyone does it differently!  And if you don’t take the time to understand those other dialects, well that becomes a disaster, a disconnect that can ruin any relationship.

This week, work on your relationships.  Discover your dialect of love and look for the dialects of love in your spouse, your children, your colleague, and your students.  Address those needs and your relationships will be strengthened.

CAN

To view the video: under video, google CAN.

What does a farther do when his son, who has never been out of a wheelchair, says he loves to race?  He becomes his boy’s hands and feet.  That was the day the “Team Hoyt” was born.  Dick brought Rick a more sophisticated racing chair. 

Rick was born in 1962 to Dick and Judy Hoyt. As a result of oxygen deprivation to Rick’s brain at the time of his birth, Rick was diagnosed as a spastic quadriplegic with cerebral palsy. Dick and Judy were advised to institutionalize Rick because there was no chance of him recovering, and little hope for Rick to live a “normal” life. This was just the beginning of Dick and Judy’s quest for Rick’s inclusion in community, sports, education and one day, the workplace.

Dick and Judy soon realized that though Rick couldn’t walk or speak; he was quite astute and his

eyes would follow them around the room. They fought to integrate Rick into the public school system, pushing administrators to see beyond Rick’s physical limitations. Dick and Judy would take Rick sledding and swimming, and even taught him the alphabet and basic words, like any other child. After providing concrete evidence of Rick’s intellect and ability to learn like everyone else, Dick and Judy needed to find a way to help Rick communicate for himself.

With $5,000 in 1972 and a skilled group of engineers at Tufts University, an interactive computer was built for Rick. This computer consisted of a cursor being used to highlight every letter of the alphabet. Once the letter Rick wanted was highlighted, he was able to select it by just a simple tap with his head against a head piece attached to his wheelchair. When the computer was originally first brought home, Rick surprised everyone with his first words. Instead of saying, “Hi, Mom,” or “Hi, Dad,” Rick’s first “spoken” words were: “Go, Bruins!” The Boston Bruins were in the Stanley Cup finals that season. It was clear from that moment on, that Rick loved sports and followed the game just like anyone else.

Rick graduated from Boston College in 1993 with a
degree in special education.

In 1975, at the age of 13, Rick was finally admitted into public school. After high school, Rick attended Boston University, and he graduated with a degree in Special Education in 1993. Dick retired in 1995 as a Lt. Colonel from the Air National Guard, after serving his country for 37 years.

In the spring of 1977, Rick told his father that he wanted to participate in a 5-mile benefit run for a Lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Far from being a long-distance runner, Dick agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair and they finished all 5 miles, coming in next to last. That night, Rick told his father, “Dad, when I’m running, it feels like I’m not handicapped.”

This realization was just the beginning of what would become over 1,000 races completed, including marathons, duathlons and triathlons (6 of them being Ironman competitions). Also adding to their list of achievements, Dick and Rick biked and ran across the U.S. in 1992, completing a full 3,735 miles in 45 days.

In a triathlon, Dick will pull Rick in a boat with a bungee cord attached to a vest around his waist and to the front of the boat for the swimming stage. For the biking stage, Rick will ride a special two-seater bicycle, and then Dick will push Rick in his custom made running chair (for the running stage).

Rick was once asked, if he could give his father one thing, what would it be? Rick responded, “The thing I’d most like is for my dad to sit in the chair and I would push him for once.”

The 2009 Boston Marathon was officially Team Hoyt’s 1000th race. Rick always says if it comes down to doing one race a year he would like it to be the Boston Marathon: his favorite race.

2013 was going to be Dick and Rick's last Boston Marathon together, but they were not able to finish due to the bombings. They vowed to be back in 2014 to finish "Boston Strong" with all the other runners, which they did; stopping many times along the 26.2 distance to take photos and shake hands of the many well-wishers, and finishing with several of the runners from their Hoyt Foundation Boston Marathon team.

Vision of Victory: Process & Product

There are those who believe that all you have to do is order from the universe and it comes.  Where I come from, you have to pay for all that you order.  Since school began, you and your students have paid the price.  The effort, in spite of distraction and outside noise, has been sustained.   We have engaged the students in the learning process and have taught the standards to mastery.  What an enjoyable and fulfilling process, the process of educating young people.   And I love paying for it, and I know you do, too!  

Actor Bruce Lee

At Planet Hollywood in New York City, there is a letter hanging on the wall that actor and martial artist Bruce Lee wrote to himself. The top of the letter, which Lee wrote in 1970, has stamped on it "secret." It starts out, "By 1980 I will be the best known oriental movie star in the United States and will have secured 10 million dollars." The most interesting part of this letter, however, was the second part–the part often omitted.  Lee goes on to write, "And in return I will give the very best acting I could possibly give every single time I am in front of the camera and I will live in peace and harmony." How fascinating that Lee wrote he would have peace and harmony after he said what he would do to obtain his goal.

Olympian Michael Johnson

Similarly, Michael Johnson, the Olympic champion sprinter, had a goal to win the 200 and 400 meters sprint at the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta. The problem, however, was that the 200 and the 400 were traditionally run on the same day. This would have made it almost impossible for him to win because of recovery time. After setting this goal, Johnson remembered something his father asked him every time he set a goal when he was a young person. "What are you going to do about it? and "Now that you have a goal, how are you going to achieve it?" Johnson developed a workout regime with his coach that involved specific weight training, stretching and running intervals five days a week. In addition, he petitioned the Olympic Committee daily to move the 200 and the 400 meters to different days.  The Committee did move the events and Michael took home the gold both in the 200 and 400.

There are two kinds of goals: product and process. A product goal is what you are going to achieve, such as, "I will instruct my students so that all will demonstrate math and reading proficiency," or "I will teach to mastery all of the science standards.” A process goal is what we will do to get it, which means developing a "prescription for success." This is a plan (lesson plan, curriculum guide) that teachers follow very closely in their daily work habits and periodically evaluate themselves on. The teacher must fall in love, not with what they are trying to accomplish, but with the process of accomplishing it.  All the great ones have. Not that they always love the work, but they have regard for the process. 

Soon, we will begin a new educational process.  Know that life is all about processes.  Life has a lot of endings and should have many exciting beginnings.    Learn to love the processes.  When I was a child, we cut timber from our land to build our house.  On an occasion, I would get together with a few cousins and build a tree house of sorts in the tops of downed pines. When we were building and collecting scraps of wood we were so excited. We were running here and there to get what we could. Then we started building and the excitement kept growing while we were constructing, eagerly awaiting to see the end product. And, finally, it was done. It was not anything Donald Trump would claim, but it was as well as we could do. Then there was a letdown. Without knowing it, we were more interested in building something, and the excitement of the process, than we were the product.

The process of test prep has occurred and been sustained.  Goals have been set and plans have been made for success.  The product of our labor is forthcoming.  Today, as the camera begins to roll, according to Bruce Lee, is a day of peace and harmony.

I Said to Myself- Time is My Wealth

How do you talk to yourself? What do you say? Start thinking about what you think about and what you tell yourself.   Rid the mind of clutter, and hear yourself.

Ask yourself of a time in which you faced adversity.  (Know the best predictor of the future is the past).  How did you overcome?  Well, I said to myself, “If my mother-in-law with an open wound in her chest from cobalt treatments of the 1970’s, breast cancer, heart valve replacement and continual staph infection, can do….then I can….”  Lena Pearl Carr was a most virtuous person who never complained. She passed away April 6, 2011.

How should you talk to you if you really wanted to be great; if you really wanted to serve others; if you really want to experience the blessings of life?  Happy people talk to themselves a certain way.  They have learned, as my mother-in-law, how to enjoy life. Learn to be happy.   Miserable people are a burden to other people. Do not be a drain.

A man came home to his wife who was dragging her luggage to the car.  He ask her what was wrong and she said she had just had enough and that she was leaving.  He asked, “Is there someone else.”  She responded, “There just has to be.”

Don't be a drag.

Your time is your wealth.  How would you live your life if you had one year to live?   What would matter to you?  Would you spend a year quacking like a duck?  Would you spend the next year at the duck pond (Happy Hour at the local bar)? At the end of the day today, your bank account has 1 less day. 

A doctor tells patient he has one year to live. The patient asks the doctor, “What should I do?” The doctor says, “Give all your money to charity, move into a shack, and marry the first woman you meet with nine children.” The patient asks, "Will that save me?" The doctor responds, "No, but it will be the longest year of your life."

Given one year to live, would you spend it as you are now? Everything has a shelf life: material and non material objects alike. You have a shelf life. 

A woman is dying to cancer.  Her husband knows it.  She knows it. He gathers his courage and asks her, “I want to ask you a question: What does it feel like knowing that you are dying?”  She thinks and responds, “What does it feel like pretending that you are not?”

You may live to be 81 years of age, just like Pearl, or you may have one year to live or one day--you never know.

A week before Mother’s Day, AT&T asked Coach Bryant to do a commercial.  The script read, “This is Paul Bear Bryant, the head football coach at the University of Alabama, this weekend is Mother’s Day, call your mamma.”  The Bear says, “I got it, I do not need a script.”  Here is what he said, “This Paul Bear Bryant, head football coach at the University of Alabama, Roll Tide, Roll! This weekend is Mothers’ Day, call your mamma. I sure wish I could.”

Your time is your wealth. Teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom. Go laugh, smile, and love. Go serve. Whatever you are designed to do, go do it.  Go preach and use words only when you have to.