Things Happen

What was the worst experience of your life?  Do you recall the day?  Do remember the pain?  Will it ever lessen?  Will you ever forget?  Can good come from being hurt?    How did you get through the experience? 

Healing is a process.   Share your experiences with others.  Know the "you-felt-that-way-too" is the beginning of process. To heal your wound you must go heal someone else.

Dr. Kelvin Elko tells this story: 

One day a man fell down in a hole. As a doctor walked by, the man screamed up, "Hey, doctor! I fell in this hole. Can you help me?" The doctor wrote out a prescription and threw it down in the hole. Just then, a priest walked by. The man yelled up, "Hey Father! I fell in this hole. Can you help me?" The priest wrote out a prayer and threw it down into the hole. Then, his friend walked by. The man yelled, "Hey, Joe! I fell in this hole. Can you help me?" His friend jumped down in the hole. The man said, “Nice going, Joe. Now there are two of us here.” Joe said, "Yes, but I’ve been in this hole before. I know the way out."

Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) has had a 12-step plan for years.  AA pairs a recovering alcoholic with a sponsor to help coach demonstrate how they can overcome their addiction. The program has had incredible success. We have to know what it is like to go through something before we can really help another.

 

To be able to help others, we must talk about our experiences or "The Thing." “The Thing” ultimately affects all:  “The Cancer,” “The Divorce,” “The Addiction,” Now is the time to quit fighting up-stream like a salmon and to accept “The Thing” and to flow with it like a fish going with the stream. Ask yourself: "What did The Thing teach me?"

Ryan has lived with his disease from birth and at age 20 has begun to share with others his

Ryan Admires His Wash-Job

experiences. Ryan and a friend have created a Monday night class that is geared towards teaching others how to share their testimony.  Ryan has a story to tell and so do we.

This week, take your experiences and help someone else. Explain how they can be strong at the broken places. Go down in the holes of life for them. Show them the way to climb back out.

Every Day I Fight

Stuart Scott, a longtime anchor at ESPN, died January 4, but his voice is alive and crackling – raw, honest and ever unique – in the new book. In Every Day I Fight, a posthumous memoir, Scott and co-author Larry Platt offer a moving and inspiring account of battling a relentless opponent – a rare appendiceal cancer.

His swag as a reporter will forever be unmatched and he will be sorely missed. One thing is for certain, however, and that’s that his slogans and insightful quotes will always live on.

• When referring to someone playing at a high level with ease, but also, himself- “As cool as the other side of the pillow.”
• When a player was getting more rebounds than anyone else on the court, “They call him the Windex Man cause he’s always cleaning the glass.”
• When someone would begin to dominate a game, “Just call him butter ’cause he’s on a roll.”
• When someone would make a smart play, “Like gravy on a biscuit, it’s all good!”
• When someone would get ejected from a game, “You ain’t got to go home, but you got to get the heck up outta here.”
• On his fight with cancer, “This whole fight, this journey thing is not a solo venture. This is something that requires support.”
• On his biggest inspiration and reason for living, “The best thing I’ve ever done, the best thing I will ever do is be a dad to Taelor and Sydni. I can’t ever give up because I can’t leave my daughters. I love you girls more than I will ever be able to express. You are my heartbeat. I am standing on this stage tonight because of you.”
• On how to live life with cancer, “When you die, that does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and the manner in which you live.”
• On the only solution, “So live. Live. Fight like …. And when you get too tired to fight, lay down and rest and let somebody else fight for you.”

Below is Stuart Scott's acceptance speech at the ESPYs.

I wrote in another blog a few years ago about a young man who discovered lumps on his neck after a football game. At 18, Lance Brooks had developed Lymphoma.

All were surprised when former LHS student Lance Brooks made an unexpected appearance after undergoing surgery just that morning.  Lance has been in the hospital for many days pending a bone marrow transplant on May 3.  Lance's most recent Facebook post reads: "God has truly brought me a long way I have everything to be thankful for.  My journey is not over yet.  Transplant day is tomorrow."   Thank you Lance for a little "perspective." Please keep Lance and his family in your prayers.

Crenshaw County- Relay for Life 2012

Lance passed in September of 2012.

All families, in some way or another, have been affected by cancer. An opportunity to fight for them is fast approaching per Relay for Life.  Do all that  you can to support this fight.

Serve Others

Two weeks ago we spoke on charting our course toward wisdom by reading books and taking the counsel of wise friends.  The third manner of obtaining wisdom is through servings others.  

A wise man will cultivate a servant’s spirit, for that particular attribute attracts people like no other. 

Alfred Vanderbilt was from one of the wealthiest most prominent families in the world.  His father, Cornelius Vanderbilt, amassed a fortune in the shipping and railroad industries in the early nineteenth century.  Alfred insisted on beginning his business experience at the bottom as a clerk in one of his father’s offices.  All of Alfred’s siblings insisted on jobs in management.  The public respected and never forgot Alfred.   His father never forgot him either; each of Cornelius’s sons and daughters were willed $7 million, but Alfred received $76 million.  In his father’s mind, Alfred would steward the money with a servant’s spirit. 

Alfred’s last act in this world, was to tie life jackets to baskets for babies as the Lusitania sank.  Vanderbilt had promised the young mother of a small baby that he would locate an extra life vest for her.  Failing to do so, he offered her his own life vest, which he proceeded to even tie on to her himself since she was holding her infant child in her arms at the time. Though he owned many estates with swimming pools, he never learned to swim.  He was among the 1,198 passengers who did not survive the incident. His body was never recovered. Alfred maintained his servant’s spirit to the very end.

At age 32, Buckminister Fuller stood on the shores of Lake Michigan contemplating suicide.  His first child had died in 1922 from complications from polio and spinal meningitis just prior to her fourth birthday. He was penniless. He was discredited.  He was jobless.  He felt hopeless.  In an epiphany, he realized that his life did not belong to himself, but rather others.  He thought, if my life belongs not to myself but to others, then what can I do for others?  Through living a life of service, over the next 54 years, he was awarded 25 U.S patents, authored 28 books, and received 47 honorary doctorates.  

What can you do to begin or continue cultivating a servant’s spirit.  Can you volunteer at your local church or community center?  Can you visit the elderly at your local hospital?  Can you spend more time with your family? Can you schedule a call to a family member just to make him or her smile? Can you commit random acts of kindness such as paying for someone’s meal?

Today, carry someone’s bags, pour their coffee, open the door, and hold their chair.  Be an example and serve others. 

(Oh, and one last thought from Fuller that I found interesting).

Whoomp, There It Is!

Contrary to what I said last week in that today we would talk about serving others, we are going to be a little self-serving and discuss something that I personally need to hear….something we have discussed before….Lay off Offenses.  (Ouch!)

Career have fizzled. Marriages have ended. Friendships dissolved. Weekends ruined (ouch, again!)  All of this at the hands of one thing: offense. Secretly if not openly, in the hearts of most people resides a feeling that they have been cheated—by their spouse, friend, government, employer—you name it; people have been offended. Consider the energy it takes for the offended people to voice their outrage at being offended by others!  Consider the time spent by those that have to sit and listen.

Today, many people are offended first and find the reason second, and their anger publicly litters our lives (litter, litter, everywhere).  In the end there is no pay off except walking around bitter and eventually alone. This being offended has caused a huge decrease in the number of people who practice loyalty. Somehow these offended people feel they then have the right to be disloyal because they have been offended.

At the beginning of this new year, many set new goals.  No matter what your new goals are/were, if you are walking around offended and touchy, you will not achieve them (ouch, again). You will end up losing all your energy to pouting and self-pity, and you will deserve to lose your goals because you were offended. But being offended is arrogant because the offended make up in their heads—and in their speech—that they would never ever do that offense to another. Keep in mind while you are offended that you have done things, too, to offend, we all have, and we are to be forgiven by the way we forgive.

If you are offended today, you will initially find company. Scores of people would love to commiserate with you; you don’t have to leave your living room, but rather just turn on the television to the news programs that will convince you that your offended position is justified. We want to be offended so badly that we inadvertently pay these people millions to tell us creatively that being offended is not a waste but is justified and acceptable.

Don’t mix this being offended up with having boundaries. Remember that anger is something you have and use to establish limits. Specifically, if someone is walking all over you, then, when you speak up to stop them, speaking up is not being offended; that’s establishing limits. We all teach people how to treat us and need to establish limits. Establishing boundaries is not what we are talking about here, but rather immobilizing emotions that run amok, such as, "I’m offended, but I’m not sure why yet; give me a minute to justify my rage.”

 

How do we address such behavior? Talk to yourself and script your words. (I did this all the way into work this morning J).  My new script is, "Whoomp, there it is" (as we used to say back in the day). I don’t have to play the blame game, the ain’t-it-awful game, or the why-am-I-being-picked-on game. I just say, "There it is. I was told to expect offenses, I was told they come like the sun rising, and there it is." 

Today, be careful not to be offended and when you are say out loud, "Whoomp, there it is" and move one.

Seeking Wisdom

There are three things that you can do to dial in your search for wisdom:  read, take wise counsel, and serve others. 

Seeking Words of Wisdom

If it is good for children, then why don't adults do it more?

Where do you seek wisdom?  Horoscopes?  Popular magazines?  Someone on satellite radio?  Most of you read books, magazines, newspapers, and the social media.  We are encouraged to read as a child but as adults we have forgotten this vital piece of advice.  What do you call a child that reads two books a year?  A slow or below average reader.  What do your call an adult that reads two books a year? Normal. Amazingly the national average for books read by American adults is less than two books a year.

You have heard, perhaps even said “I determined that when I got out of college, that I would never read another book again.  I haven’t read a book in twenty years.”  These people are proud of it.  I ask myself, "Are these people on the path of search for wisdom?"  These may not be folks with whom you can afford to become close for their search for wisdom ended years ago.

If you do not think that you can take the time to read, you can always listen to audiobooks.  “You do not know what my life is like.  I have a job. My wife has a job.  I have kids.  I am the president of the social club.  You are telling me that I need to read books and listen to recordings?”  Yes. You do not have to clear the house and your calendar, sit at a table with pen and paper and take notes.  You do not have to pay attention like that.  All you have to do is press the play button.  Listen while you are cooking, mowing, driving the kids to school.  Listen while you shower. Listen while you sleep.  You will get it.  After all, consider the number of commercial jingles or television theme songs you have inadvertently memorize (“Let me tell you a story about a man name Jed, poor mountaineer that barely kept his family fed.”)  If anything is going to be programming you subconscious mind, why not choose the programming.

Know that you are not reading just to read.  You are reading to gain wisdom. Remember you are who you spend time with, and you are what you read.  (The social media and Maury may not be best for you.)  Sometimes, it is useful to explore subjects that have nothing to do with our occupational endeavors and let your mind make its own connections.  The Leadership Academy is conducting a book study of Jack Welch, former CEO of GE.  His books is entitled The 4 E’s of Effective Leadership.  We start this afternoon, making the connection.

Never forsake the assembling.  There is power in fellowship.  Choose your companions wisely.Friends influence us at any age.  If we are surrounded by those who use bad language, your language will tend toward that. If we hang with those who have certain viewpoints, you will be persuaded by those views.  If you spend time with those who are lazy, you will tend towards laziness.   If you are comfortable with people who make excuses, you will tend to make excuses as well. 

A True Friend Holds You to a Higher Standard

A true friend is not someone who accepts you as you are.  A true friend is one that holds you to a higher standard.   He/She expects you to do what you said you were going to do, when you said you were going to do it.   A true friend makes you better by his or her presence. 

Seek the Counsel of the Wise

Find those that are smarter than you, are more skilled than you, and have more fruit on the tree in key parts of their life.  Develop a Board of Directors for your life.  Befriend a spiritual, emotional, physical and financial adviser.  Have a friend that makes you laugh.  Have a friend who is a good listener.  You do not have to tell them that they are on the Board- it can be your secret. 

Beware of the Waterloo 

As you are more successful, you will find the path less traveled.  Never think that you know all.  During the 100 Day Campaign of 1815, all of Europe feared Napoleon.  At Waterloo, Napoleon drove his French Calvary of 5,000 directly into the British cannon fire and separated the English form their artillery.  The French had captured the guns, Napoleon would have defeated Wellington at Waterloo- except that the French had forgotten the nails.  When troops overran an opponent’s cannon, they would take headless nails and drive them down into the touch-hole, rendering the cannon useless.  Napoleons troops had asked before the battle, “Where are the nails?”  Their confusion was ignored.  They had all- guns, horses, swords, lances, and artillery pieces but no nails.  Wellington’s men got the cannons back and turned them on Napoleon’s army and the French were defeated

No Counsel, No Nails, No Win

When you counsel yourself, you make decisions according to what you know.  By counseling with wise men and women, you add their knowledge and experience to your own, dramatically increasing you chances for success and decrease the possibility of failure. 

Know that the past will never change, but you can change the future by changing your actions today.   We, as humans, are always in a process of change. We might as well guide the direction of that change.  It is a simple process. Seek wisdom in words and counsel. 

Next week, we will discuss serving others.

The Buck Stops with You

I picked up a new-to-me Andy Andrews book this weekend entitled The Seven Decisions:  Understanding the Keys to Personnel Success, of which the first step is to accept responsibility.

Anonymous Writes:  A Part of My Life I Don’t Talk Much About 

In a particularly dark time in my life, I had a job I hated, a boss I hated more than the job, and money problems that to this day put a huge knot in my stomach when I think about them. I couldn’t see a way out, and I had lost all sense of hope that things would ever change for me.  At some point during my despair and self-victimization, I asked myself, “Why do all these terrible things keep happening to me? What am I doing to deserve all this?”

The question answered itself. The primary cause of all my problems was, in a way, what I was doing to myself.  Whether I succeed or fail – whether I am happy or miserable – it’s very likely the result of a decision I have made.  (i.e. I had a horrible job with an evil boss. I chose to accept the job offer. I had money problems.  I chose the life of indebtedness).

The Cure:  Find the nearest mirror to see the cause of 99% of your happiness or misery.  When you do this, things will began to change for the better.

Caveat of Random Occurrences

Random bad things do happen. Unfortunately, sometimes murderers randomly kill, hurricanes decimate cities, and planes, cars, and trains crash. So yes – there are real-life innocent victims. It’s a real thing.

Do Not Play the Blame Game (Quack! Quack!)

Within yourself, your personal and professional life, do not blame others.  Do not blame your parents, spouse, boss, employees, society, or the church for your present situation.  Do not blame the weather, the economy or the President either. (Yes, I had a relative blame her mom and dad’s financial woes on the fall of President Obama’s stock market.)  Do not let your education nor lack of one, your genetics or circumstances affect your future in a negative way.  Do not let your history control your destiny.   The buck stops with you. 

Accept Responsibility

If decisions are choices and one’s thinking dictates our decisions, then we are where we are because of our thinking. The beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for one’s own problems.  If you do not accept responsibility for where you are right now, you have no hope of changing your future. Responsibility is about hope and control.  You can control your future.  

Think Positively

Allow your thoughts to be constructive, not destructive.  Fill your mind with solutions of the future.  Do not dwell on the problems of the past.   Associate with those striving to bring about positive change.  Do not seek comfort from those who have decided to be comfortable.    Make decisions and stand by them.  Do not waste time on second thoughts.  Do not let your life be an apology.  Let it be a statement.  You control your thought.  You are in control of your emotions.   Do not ask, “Why me?”  Ask, “Why not me.”

Hold Others Accountable

If you are principal, teacher, bus driver, CEO, supervisor, or any person in-charge: demand that those of whom you are responsible accept responsibility.  Nothing substantial will grow from denial.  Problems will persist and not be resolved.  The irresponsible child and/or adult cannot move forward until they accept responsibility. 

In all that you do, accept responsibility and hold others accountable, as well.